Last night as I was releasing some old fears I had and having to take many moments to connect in with my inner teenager and open up conversation. I have found that when I step into this work on deeper levels these younger parts of me- my inner child and in this case my inner teen- can begin to become present with many fears regarding it all. Fears of instability and change. Fears of the unknown and uncertainties towards what these shifts and changes mean.
So a little back story before I share the more exposing things that have come to the forefront of my experience. I am on day 11 of 20 of the integral rice diet alongside my Kambo microdosing regimen and kriya for releasing fear and relaxation. I am also going to the gym every other day which isn't too new as going to the gym is something I have habitualized into my life routine a couple years ago. However, my body is changing rapidly. Every day I am recognizing these changes. It feels like I am shedding old skin and remerging.
With that said, it feels a bit frightening for my inner teenager as she is having a hard time wrapping her mind around these changes. I was in this internal conversation for what felt like a couple of hours just spinning in circles feeling these deep-seated fears rising to the surface. When I just stopped and listened to the fears rather than trying to push it all away, I realized what was being presented.
My inner teenager of around 16 was feeling confused and conflicted on what was happening with our body. As a teenager I dealt with an eating disorder. This went on from the age of 13 but truly escalated from about 16-18 or 19. It was 19 that I made the choice to fully live and heal from the trauma I had undergone to get to this point. At that time in my life, I felt very insecure and out of control. I had an uncontrollable urge to hurt myself every time I felt unseen, unheard, made fun of, insecure, etc. So, I turned to self-destruction which looked like binge eating and puking up the food I had just binged. It was a vicious cycle, and it hurt my body a lot at that time of my life. I had to retrain my digestive system how to digest foods. I felt sick very frequently just from eating as I was trying to heal in those beginning stages because my body was so used to bringing everything back up.
When I had realized my desire to want to live it was after finding purpose in my life through spiritual practices. For the first time in my life I was introduced to meditation, spirit connection, inner work, inner child healing, and a new way of experiencing life. This was the beginning of a big transformation for me- I was 17 at the time. Of course that took time. I needed to look at some heavy wounds and begin looking at my body and health in a different light. So, I began to educate myself on nutrition, the purpose of food, what health really was and define it for myself.
At 17 I became vegetarian as a means of health. It was a message that came through strong for me. I realize now that being vegetarian at the beginning of my recovery from an eating disorder was fundamental in what came next. I stopped binging and purging officially at 19 and focused on healing my body. It was this journey that is what began to awaken so much of me. It began to blossom this deep passion for the body and for health. It began to bloom into something I loved and adored more than anything. Understanding my own body and learning what it means to heal it at the deepest levels is where it started and how it has continued to unfold.
Looking at it all now I realize how interesting it is to be a Kambo practitioner and studying naturopathy, ancestral medicines, and how to heal and harmonize on all levels of our being. It was as if I had to go through the darkest shadows of my own human existence as a young age so that I could be gifted an opportunity to start unlearning and unraveling all I thought I knew and unfold into who I am and am meant to be.
Working with Kambo came into my life at 23. It was an "accident" really. I didn't even know what it was, but it landed in my existence and every cell in my body leaped towards it like it remembered something innately wonderful about it. Like an old friend patiently waiting to be reunited and to finally meet again. In the beginning it was interesting to be reacquainted with purging after so many years of stepping very far away from it. It felt like an invitation to look closer. It was in those first experiences I had with Kambo where I began to rewrite and rewire what it means to purge. I spent so many years as a teen utilizing purging as a way to hurt myself.... but now here I was sitting with a medicine that was asking me to sit with it so I could heal my body from the years I had abused it. I felt a rewiring of my definition and understanding of purging on a cellular level. Remembering the power in purging as a way to heal or get well. Our bodies naturally purge when they are ill.
However, western medicine often tries to hand us things that suppress this natural human effect. In the plant and animal kingdom world while in ceremonies to heal we often find ourselves at different points purging. The purge is a powerful way to release the old, rid the body of toxins and parasites, and open ourselves up for new energies and opportunities. It is a way of renewal and healing and the intention behind purging happens at a loving and pure level. To want to LIVE and be better for ourselves, those in our lives, and the earth herself.
I have recognized that the shift that occurred for me personally from the teenager within referenced towards purging and the adult now working alongside purging is very different. It is all in the intention and energy. As a teenager I used it as punishment. As an adult it is seen as something sacred and healing. Rather than intending to destroy myself through purging I had no rewired that relationship towards purging as something to be given gratitude towards. To purge and to give thanks for the opportunities to be alive, be an even better and more aligned being, and grow in health and harmony.
So, why was my inner teenager coming to the forefront last night? Well, I sat with her and asked her questions. Asked her what she was feeling and what I could do to be there for her and comfort her. She confessed to me that she felt frightened to see our body changing so much. We were now coming into a body we always thought we would only ever get to by hurting ourselves in unhealthy ways. Now, that body was coming into fruition and it was feeling triggering for her. She did not know how to wrap her mind around it.
As I continued to sit with these emotions and fears stumbling to the surface it also made me think of my family and all I had put them through during those times of my life. How frightened they must have been for me when they realized how I had been hurting myself all those years. I especially thought of one of my sisters and my mother who I feel may have experienced the fear of it the most out of everyone. How my mom must have blamed herself and how my sister must have felt confused and helpless on what to do. I also wonder how the trauma of those years and events may have impacted my family. If it has put fear behind looking at our bodies... worried that if we look too closely it could whisper signs of past traumatic events and bring up old fears. How badly had I hurt them?
I recognize now how important it is for me as well to forgive my inner teenager. A process I am still in. Recognizing how lost and frightened she was. Also recognizing all she had been through to get her to that point... a point of not knowing how she could possibly move further as well as pivoting her entire self-worth on her body and the status of how many thought she was beautiful. What a strange time it was to be a teenager and not understand the changes of puberty happening in her body. The ways her body shifted and changed, and she was growing into becoming a woman without understanding true acceptance of all that entailed. It makes me want to hold her now and remind her of her of the strength she acquired because of all the hardship she had been through.
There is still much conversation to be had with my inner teenager with these revelations now at the forefront. I know I must take time to be with myself and my inner teenager, offer words of love and forgiveness, and begin to explore what it means to lift her up into experiences and states of joy and self-love. To begin to also include and practice things that feel nourishing to her. To continue the ongoing conversation as we step through these chapters together and continue to rewrite our story into one of love, victory, resilience, strength, compassion, and softness.
Last night her simple request was to dance more. So, that is what we will do.
I feel infinitely grateful for these insights to be coming through as I shed these old wounds and transmute them into spaces of freedom and liberation... taking with me all parts of myself/soul. I give thanks for my inner teenager and all she is and for having the courage to share her fears with me so I may understand what I have held inside of me more. It is important to me that I don't let any part of who I am be forgotten and to remember where I can to honor all parts of my beingness and expression space to be seen, held, and loved.
I look forward to the next days of this experience alongside the rice, kambo, and kriya. What an incredible unfolding so far. How potent this insight has been. And if you made it this far, thank you for being here and hearing my story as it unfolds.
