Wow, it has been a really exposing journey so far. I find myself wanting to hide from the public at this time as I digest and come into awareness of everything that has been presenting itself to me. However, I am going to write this freely trusting that whoever reads it is meant to have this information and be on this journey with me.
It has been and continues to unfold into something so much more than the mechanical aspect of actually showing up for an hour+ each day in my practice. Part of me is finding it hard to believe I have made it this far in this commitment while the other part feels a bit detached from the experience and is still trying to take it all in. Yet, I keep showing up knowing that the best I can do is to simply stay committed to being with myself.
There is so much internally that has been taking place for me right now. Yes, the mechanical and even physical aspects of this journey are present. I have detoxed much mucus out of my system. I had a stuffy nose for about 30 days or so. Alongside that I was blowing my nose constantly and releasing all kinds of phlegm from my system. I was very grateful for the support of hape' plant medicine through that as it was a huge contributor in allowing the phlegm to continue moving through and out.
It made me realize that what you typically see in a bucket when you are actively purging water, toxins, and guck from your system during a full kambo session is still happening at a slower and different rate while microdosing. It seems that even though I am not actually purging from my stomach each day (because I am only microdosing 1/2 point to 1 point of kambo) I am still actively helping my body to reset and cleanse slowly in different ways.
I was quite amazed to see how it all was working.
It made me realize that kambo microdosing is very effective for clients who need to work with kambo in a very gentle and even long-term way. While yes, it feels like not much is happening in each session because it is so light of an experience (compared to a full-dose session with kambo), there is still a lot happening over a longer course of time when you work with it every day.
I mentioned in my first entry of this journey with these 120 days (was initially only going to be 40 which is why the first blog entry is labeled as 40) that there is a direct experience happening between the body and mind. Or at least I believe I mentioned that. I wanted to dive into that a bit more.
Part of what prompted this journey was my work with the integral rice diet this year. It has been such a huge contributor to my life and health. It has impacted the way I feel in my body as well as my mind. It really inspired me to look closer and dive a bit deeper into my practices.
I really enjoy taking myself into new unknown territories. I enjoy the processes of challenging myself so I can see what lies on the other side. So, through that I have discovered correlations within my mind and body experience that I recognize I wouldn't have access to unless I challenged myself to go into unknown territories of my existence and try new things. My mind has become more and more clear over the course of these 53 days. While yes, there are still days where I find it more challenging to drop into a calm centered space in my mind, I am finding that the days where I feel calm and centered are more frequent occasions now than before.
I also am beginning to better understand why it is so important to have daily drop-in practices with myself. It gives me an opportunity to really understand who I am so I can better show up in the world in a more authentic way. The mind has been such an interesting thing to explore.
I feel the mind is essential to the human experience however it is important to train it so that there is a better awareness of self-outside of the mind. If that awareness of self-outside of the mind is not there then we can become overthrown by the mind and think that what we are is what is in the mind. However, this is not true. Our mind is only a tool, it is not something to necessarily identify with or become.
I am experiencing that the state and health of my body directly correlates to what is happening within my mind. My teacher shared with me this year that the health of the blood will impact the state of the mind. If the blood is imbalanced and dealing with impurities than that same experience shows up in the mind. So, I have taken extra care to clean my blood this year with the tools provided to me because I have had a deep curiosity to explore what this means for me and see for myself in my experience what happens if I clean my body in relationship to what is in my mind.
This intention has allowed me to be more conscious of my mind. I have made it a point in my practices to concentrate as much as I can and be as focused as I am able. The more focused I become the clearer I become and the quieter I feel as well as more connected. To drop into spaces of calm, clarity, and connection has felt very revitalizing to my spirit in many ways. It has also felt very relieving to my body, especially my nervous system.
I have asked myself on many occasions how I could possibly wear myself out when I haven't done that much that day. I now recognize what was wearing me out was actually my mind. To have an overactive mind was disrupting my nervous system. It was causing much anxiety. I also have come into awareness of how my mind has been quite addicted to anxiety. There have been many moments where I have become aware of my mind suddenly out of nowhere searching for some kind of thought to put me into anxiety. It is almost as if my mind is so patterned into being worried about something that it feels entirely unfamiliar with what it means to be calm.
So, it has been a lot of work both inside of my practice each day but also outside of it in everyday tasks to take awareness of this pattern and recenter my mind and remind myself that it is okay to feel calm and centered.
What a strange thing to recognize... but it is true.
Every day I also feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that I have dedicated myself once again to honoring my spirit. Ultimately, that is what this feels about for me. On some level I don't know entirely why I do what I do. However, I have learned on my journey time and time again that I don't need to know but simply trust. Time and time again when I follow these moments of intuition and inner calling to explore these unknown facets of my existence, I am rewarded with a new sense of understanding of who I am and what I am growing into.
I will say sometimes this journey feels a bit lonely. I also feel a bit isolated at times from the outside world. I don't know a lot of people who feel compelled to explore life in these ways and sometimes it leaves me feeling as though I am a bit odd or misunderstood. This is something else I have been unpacking. I see the importance of accepting who I am as well even though many will not understand. It takes a great deal of courage for me much of the time to share what is going on for me because there are many fears that come up in regard to what other people may think of this journey.
To expose my most internal processes to the world especially alongside a path that is not so common sometimes is very triggering for me. Yet, I also feel this strong call and pull inside of me to share. I often times feel this pull between this desire to keep it all in and to myself where it feels safe and this need to be heard and real and raw with the world around me.
Truth be told, I don't know how to be anything else but me and sometimes that feels wrong. Like I don't belong to this world or at least the current state it is in now. I feel disrupted a lot by the cruelty of some humans as well as judgements. To expose my truth so openly feels like I am opening up the rawest parts of me to be criticized.
I have felt a bit misunderstood most of my life. I have always had difficulty with the indoctrination of what most people find compelling in life. I have never been much for trends and normalcy. When I look at average life for humans, I find that quite unexciting and boring. I always have in a lot of ways. I have always been desiring to shift what is happening around me and maybe even shake it to life a bit. Through that, I have also been hurt by the reality of what I see and what most people around me aren't ready to see.
I often times find myself trying to explain my existence from a space of filters because I don't know if most people would be able to take in and comprehend what I have experienced and continue to move towards in my life. While so many are after careers and families, I instead have dedicated my adult life this far to self-exploration, awareness, and spiritual connection.
That desire and need to continue in that direction has only continued to grow stronger every passing year. However, it also feels isolating at times because so many of my past friends and even those in my family are focusing on careers and growing a family. What I truly want in my life and existence is to have a powerful connection with life and my spirit. To explore the depths of it and myself. To try new things and expand my awareness of what it means to breathe life on this planet.
What brings me joy in life feels so different from what so many others are doing, and it is sometimes hard not to compare myself and my achievements to others' lives and achievements. However, what I am doing looks very different to most anyone else I know. And sometimes it feels uncertain because to dedicate my life journey to the unknown means I can't really explain what I am doing most of the time only that what I need always shows up when I need it and what I am doing is focusing on letting go more so I can simply be.
My last entry here was about my teenage self and after writing it took me some time to let go of the fears surrounding sharing that with the world. I felt that way because I felt maybe I didn't explain what I am exploring well enough. This journey I am on, and this work I am doing can bring a lot up. It brings up much from my life and past and asks me regularly to sit with myself- every experience, every emotion, every fear, every moment, every memory, and every part of who I was, am, and am becoming. Often times it requires me to look at the darkest aspects of my life existence in order to understand why those things have occurred for me in my life so I may learn from them, integrate them, and become a more whole being of myself. This work has been so much about retrieving all parts of my existence.
I have learned that trauma in our lives can leave us very fragmented. When we become fragmented because of trauma we are not whole. It seems that there are literal parts of us, our energy, that get stuck in spaces and time where trauma has occurred.
Part of this work is to recognize where trauma has happened for us in our lives and go back to those places and even relive those experiences in some ways in order to integrate back in that energy that is us and ours from that time and space. This often times requires much emotion to be felt and moved as well as time and space that needs to be given to this process in order to integrate in these fragmented pieces of us that have lived through trauma.
Trauma can come from a number of things as well. I used to think that trauma was always these big events, and you would remember them because they were so big. However, sometimes there are moments in life that have come back to me where the experience probably wouldn't have affected someone else. However, it did affect me for some reason, and I still have to go back to retrieve those parts of myself and energy too.
What this may look like is a conversation that took place with an old friend or family member. Something was said that really hurt my feelings and I didn't speak up but yet allowed the words or experiences of that moment to imprint on me. That imprint was then something taken with me for the remainder of my life carried as a story until I become aware that it is there and consciously make the choice to look at it and rewrite it.
Moments in our life where we have felt deeply impacted and hurt can tell us certain things about who we then begin to believe we are. We then carry those wounds with us, and they then become a part of our existence and belief system. When it becomes a part of our belief system and we have had it written into us for so long we can think it is just who we are or how we are in, when in fact it is only simply a fragmentation of the truth.
So, a lot of this work requires us to recognize those moments of pain, disruption, and trauma so we can then become aware of it, feel it, and then consciously rewrite those stories into our beliefs.
This work can be quite meticulous. You would be amazed at how much there is to rewrite, and it moves on for what feels like forever- first with us, and then our families, then communities, and so on. Recognizing the patterns of disruption that told us who we are and disharmonize us from who we actually are.
So, through this work we can reclaim those stories and choose for ourselves who we are and who we are becoming. How empowering is that?
So, while this work feels quite heavy at times, I also have to regularly remind myself not to lose the plot or get lost in the sauce of those stories especially when the emotions I have identified with for so much of my life are moving through and out.
To be at a space in my life and consciousness though where I can recognize that now feels really huge. To have a clearer sense of who I really am and decipher between my mind and my spirit feels very liberating. I am not always perfect at it but as I show up each day, I know I am growing taller in my spirit and taking more of the lead of my mind.
Now, off to my evening practice! If you made it this far, thank you for reading and being here. I hope to update you again when I can. Blessings!
